A future without loneliness.

Life is funny.

Last year, my life changed, for about the third time since I left home to come to this place. I gained a new direction, a new focus, a new plan for my life. For the first time in-- well, ever-- I knew what I wanted to do, what steps to take to prepare myself, where I was going to be and how it was all going to work.

For about four months, I had that.

Then, everything changed again, though I didn't realize how much until I left to come back to SLC for the last time. I met jilocasin, and I found out what love meant, or rather what it means to me. Now, when I look into the future, I see so many possibilities, but the ones without him in it are just... not. Like ash and rubble under a burning sky.

So now, my plans are so immeasurably complicated. I had made my peace with going it alone, with heading off to Russia (or Italy, or Norway, or England, or anywhere-but-here). Suddenly, there's a variable I can't reduce or discount, because it-- he-- is the most important part of the equation.

I desperately, desperately don't want to be apart from him. If nothing else, this year is teaching me that. It's not even three weeks until I see him, and every day I spend without him is just... dead. Dead and flat like week-old Coke. Nothing is worth the effort, not crew, not school, nothing. If this is how I feel now, what will it be like when I don't see him or anyone else I know for two years?

Eventually, I'll reach some kind of equilibrium with this. For now, though, the world doesn't make sense any more, and I'm scared. I've never had to consider any other person when planning my life before, and I don't know how. I just know that making sure he's happy is more important to me now than all my ambitions.

I just haven't quite figured out how to live without being selfish.

A future without loneliness.

Life is funny.

Last year, my life changed, for about the third time since I left home to come to this place. I gained a new direction, a new focus, a new plan for my life. For the first time in-- well, ever-- I knew what I wanted to do, what steps to take to prepare myself, where I was going to be and how it was all going to work.

For about four months, I had that.

Then, everything changed again, though I didn't realize how much until I left to come back to SLC for the last time. I met jilocasin, and I found out what love meant, or rather what it means to me. Now, when I look into the future, I see so many possibilities, but the ones without him in it are just... not. Like ash and rubble under a burning sky.

So now, my plans are so immeasurably complicated. I had made my peace with going it alone, with heading off to Russia (or Italy, or Norway, or England, or anywhere-but-here). Suddenly, there's a variable I can't reduce or discount, because it-- he-- is the most important part of the equation.

I desperately, desperately don't want to be apart from him. If nothing else, this year is teaching me that. It's not even three weeks until I see him, and every day I spend without him is just... dead. Dead and flat like week-old Coke. Nothing is worth the effort, not crew, not school, nothing. If this is how I feel now, what will it be like when I don't see him or anyone else I know for two years?

Eventually, I'll reach some kind of equilibrium with this. For now, though, the world doesn't make sense any more, and I'm scared. I've never had to consider any other person when planning my life before, and I don't know how. I just know that making sure he's happy is more important to me now than all my ambitions.

I just haven't quite figured out how to live without being selfish.