Meditations in the Key of J

Topping the list of things I'm grateful for: (1) my patients, those wonderful people who trust me to do my work and make them better, without whom my life would be much poorer and smaller, who allow me to fulfill my purpose. (2) Winter. Here in the darkness, at the nadir of the cold and wet, my spirit is at its greatest. I wish I could stay here forever, but alas, summer is always coming.

 Had a very interesting observation session on the bus this morning: four guys speaking some Scandinavianish language (not Norwegian, not Swedish, almost certainly not Danish-- Icelandic or Finnish, I think) that I couldn't understand, and once I stopped trying to figure out what language it actually was and where one word ended and another began, then I just fell into 5E mode and listened to the cadences of the Sound, and it was so clear, the Fire mostly, but that was the mask, and beneath it some Water, some Earth... it was quite astounding how much I could get without engaging my head.

A woman sat next to me with a very complex Odor, something dry and almost tannic, reminiscent mostly of Metal with a bit of Wood thrown in. Also, I learned today that Dr. Martin apparently is quite sure that I'm Metal/Earth/?. This is exciting, mostly because there's at least one person in this city who'll stamp the final destination on my passport.

Our class is really starting to come together into a cohesive unit; there're a lot of good ideas and really vibrant energies coalescing, and I think we're all going to work quite well together. Also, SIOM has agreed to a teachout in case our appeal to ACCAOM is denied, so things are looking very hopeful all across the board.

 Have just returned from what I hope will be the first of many successful meetings with new friends from the internet, whom I of course hope to turn into patients. Having reached the conclusion that I am terrible at marketing and thus need all the help I can get, I am utilizing every possible social networking platform I can get my hands on in order to reach those who need my help (which is everyone, whether or not they choose to acknowledge it).

That sounds arrogant, perhaps? Nevertheless, I believe it's true. It's not just my care, of course; there are other acupuncturists, chiropractors, naturopaths, massage therapists, etc. It is inescapable that, for everyone (who doesn't have an exceptionally hardy constitution and set of longevity genes), wellness care is essential to true health. The more people I can help to stay out of the pill-pushing clutches of allopathic medicine (which can sometimes be necessary, don't get me wrong; no one's better than an allopath when it comes to critical care), the better.

Regular wellness care keeps more serious problems from developing, and that saves everyone more money in the long run. 

 "Because here, it's not about me. Astringently. And I don't know how else to make that clear: I get it. I think it's silly, and I think it's a function and a symptom of white middle-class privilege, in the absence of realistic motivation to get angry about sexism in your own, actual life. Which offends me, because it's past time to start the actual riot. And instead, fake Internet feminism and privileged white-girl Internet anger gets tied up in dumb TV shows and not real life, and we all bitch to the online echo chamber of people who already agree with us, and it becomes a game of oneupmanship about who gets to be the most offended, and everything is lost to the competition. The smartest, angriest, most wonderful young women and gay men fall to the pettiest competition of all, and we're the only ones that don't benefit. And I don't know how to combat that, because we all do what's easiest, unless we have to do otherwise.

Dair Shipper: "But you're a man! You're mansplaining!"
I guess so: "As long as you look at gay men as being privileged above sexism, as though homophobia is a separate issue and not the other side of the exact same issue, you are never going to understand that we're under the same pressure. Just as you wanted."
Hopeful Feminist: "But you are a man! A white man!"
Sure, and: "You have privileges of your own. The privilege to identify with abuse victims. The privilege to co-opt and identify with a gay male identity you barely understand. The privilege to get married. The privilege to play in the universal softball game known as heterosexuality."
Fake Internet Feminist: "So you're saying we shouldn't think of you as men?"
The Only Men Who Actually Carry Fractionally The Same Burden As You: "Think of us as double agents. That's how we've always thought of you."

Jacob, ladies and gentlemen.

 I've been walking a lot more recently, which neatly accomplishes the dual goal of exercising more and spending less. I can do five miles and not feel the least bit tired, though apparently the muscles on the lateral edge of my feet (the flexor digitorum brevis, I believe) need strengthening, because walking that far in my Vibrams makes them rather sore (but only on one side at a time-- first it was the left, now it's the right. I dunno, man).

I love Vibrams because they give my feet freedom of movement, and allow me to feel more grounded and connected to the earth; for me, who often allows his head to drift among the clouds, that's very important.

Treatment yesterday featured the outer AEPs, which was new to me; the points actually developed superficial blisters that only lasted until that evening, but were rather itchy. It's amazing how different some points feel from others-- command points feel like a freight train made of lightning rocketing all the way up from my toes, while the back points are more subtle, almost languorous. I look forward to the day when I can afford to get treated on a weekly basis, so as to more fully experience the range of sensations available.

Gotta say, having a Window of the Sky done was disappointing, after all the fanfare we got about them in class. Of course, it may simply be that my system needs time to process the full import of the point. I really want to get my hands on a copy of Debra Kaatz's book so I can become more familiar with the nature of each individual point.

Last big didactic exam (excluding some psych bullshit) was today, and while I now know that I missed two or three points out of the 200 possible, I definitely passed. Actually, I'm a little miffed at how easy it was; I've been studying my ass off for a month, and I knew SO MUCH MORE than was on the test; I even wrote some of it in next to the official questions because I'd been making the associations for so long that I felt I had to use them.

I feel very good about everything in general, of course. I have some more bureaucratic odds and paper-pushing ends to wrap up before November, but now I'm quite confident that I'm prepared to put all this theory into practice.

Received amazing treatment yesterday, VIII/IX block with CV 5, 12, 17, finished off with Fire points (XI 41, XII 2). Absolutely electric sensation of chi moving up the XI meridian all the way to XI 1-- entire lower half of face felt like lightning was dancing just beneath the surface. Clarity and cleansing are my watchwords for treatment at the moment, and this certainly seemed to give them to me.

Still no real desire for wheat, which is fabulous. Sugar is proving more tenacious, but I'm not actively seeking it out, and have indeed managed to resist cravings on numerous occasions, which seems to indicate that my Earth is gradually coming under control.

The problem I'm wrestling with now is the problem of connecting with the patient's chi. I have a dramatic and unmistakable reaction to the chi finally being contacted, but not everyone does; indeed, some will even fake a reaction to get the needling over with more quickly because they fear the discomfort or whatever. Practitioners say they can feel the chi in the needle when it makes contact, and maybe that's true with sufficient experience, but the clinic interns don't seem to have it yet, or not all of them, at least. I haven't needled a person yet, but I only hope that when I do my intuition will allow me to make those distinctions without relying on patients' subjective experience.

Have been volunteering at school more, helping out with the new class for some reason that escapes me, but it ended up being valuable for me, at least, so that's all well and good. I am here to be of service, and there's no shortage of opportunities to remind myself of that.

After I left, I felt this unprecedented sense of celebration, such that I decided to walk from Laurelhurst to the U Bookstore, thence to Northgate, thence home. I made a point of going down side streets that I'd never seen before, looking at the colors-- so many shades of green!-- and the houses and the sky and all the amazing things that so often get lost in the chatter. I didn't even have my iPod, which I'm grateful for because I got to experience the day in as unmediated a manner as I can without virtually blinding myself by taking off my glasses. I was even smiling at people, and making eye contact, for fuck's sake.

Apparently a noticeable shift in my energetic equilibrium has come about since Miss M started treating me on Earth. This only confirms what I've been feeling internally, but still, it's nice to have the external validation every now and again. Who knows what's possible now that I'm finally on the right track?

 Gave impromptu unscripted alma mater boosterism at SLC reception tonight, did not make too much of an ass of self, I hope. Certain parts were a little wobbly, but managed to avoid hemming and hawing and repeating myself over and over, and did not employ "like." There is a place for "like," of course, particularly when telling sardonic stories, but that place is not public speaking and certainly not in front of people one wishes to impress.

Got my Fire on. I think pretty well. And oh, they were all so fresh-faced and cute with their nervous eyes, trying to get as much information as possible to make this momentous decision-- and it is important, though not always in the ways we think. I felt a great outpouring of paternal affection, or at least as close to it as I ever get.

These past ten days have been some of the best of my life, internally. Nothing obvious or earth-shaking has changed on the outside, but I've been more comfortable in my own skin than I have been since I hit puberty. The constant internal struggle has almost entirely abated, and the sense of empathy/sympathy/compassion/etc. has been remarkable in its consistency. I can't say everything's perfect, but for the first time in a good long while, I feel like I have a base to stand on to get there-- not that perfection is ever really attainable short of death, but to me, even having a starting point whence one can imagine that kind of end result is huge. I know I have so much more work to do before I get to any of the places I really want to be, but now I know I can do it.